Everyone has negative thoughts on a daily basis. No one escapes this condition. Many factors, not the least being our early childhood conditioning and social environment, influence the intensity and repetition of the negative. Beliefs about the self and our abilities also play major roles in forming the kinds of thoughts that habitually pop into our minds.
Nonetheless, managing negative messages reduces the physical distress inflicted by their ongoing presence. Science has proven over and over again that for every thought and emotion we experience, there is a corresponding physical counterpart of the thought and emotion in every cell in the body. What we think causes extreme physical changes. That is why many mourners become ill as the immune system is compromised.
However, our inner life can be managed even as we carefully examine what the pain of our great loss reveals to us. Feeling our pain is essential for healing; it is the very source of learning and transformation. Here are seven techniques designed to control negative thought life and reduce severe mood altering scenarios.
1. Try the Closet Technique. Some mourners are able to take a negative thought, put a frame around it, and move it away from their inner self. Some see themselves with frame in hand going to a clothes closet, opening the doors, and putting the framed picture on a hanger. Then they walk away. Others, if they are outside, will hang the negative thought frame on a tree and carry on with whatever they were doing. Simply find a place to “put” it that is out of sight and location.
2. Darken or dim the image which accompanies the thought. In short, turn the light down on the image making it hard to see. Do not allow a clear picture to emerge from your thought. After a little practice you will see that the thought begins to lose its impact on you. Complete the process by introducing a more pleasing image of something you like.
3. The Toilet Technique. I once had a member of one of my support groups tell us how she dealt with her sad and sorrowful thoughts when she had had enough of them. “I get up from where I’m sitting,” she said, “walk into my bathroom and stand before the toilet. Then I pull my hand across my forehead like I’m tearing the thoughts out of my mind, throw them in the toilet, flush it, and walk away. “She went on to say that she would do a chore or engage in some other activity.
4. Challenge the dark thought with a success story. If you are bombarded with images that show you not being able to cope well or fearing the future, recall times when you met challenges in the past. In preparing to use this strategy make a list of the many times you made it through trying circumstances. See yourself going through specific actions where you overcame the problem you faced. Now, when the anxiety-producing thought suddenly appears confront it with, “I have the ability to meet this situation since I’ve been successful in similar instances. I remember when… “
5. Design an affirmation to immediately invoke. Self-coaching is or should be an everyday habit. We all need to keep our spirits up by way of positive self-talk. Here you can make up statements to your liking. Keep them in the present tense, that you are in the process of doing, such as “I am capable of prevailing” or “I am determined to get through this hour (or day, or month).” One of my personal favorites is “I am living through it.”
6. Use a purely physical response. Physical movement is an excellent means of releasing an emotional stimulus. Get up from your chair and move to another place in your home. At the same time, combine the movement with an affirmation or a pleasant memory. Go for a walk. Try focusing all of your attention on deep abdominal breathing. “See” your lungs and abdomen expand as you take a deep, slow breath. Focus on a slow inhalation and exhalation.
7. Call on your Higher Power. Some kind of spiritual life is essential for inner balance and to deal with all of the big changes which life brings. Go back to your spiritual roots and examine the relationship with your Higher Power or with nature or the universe. Many mourners have told me that knowing that their God walks with them and is there to listen provides a great avenue for sharing.
Nothing wrong with asking for the strength to manage the turmoil within. Construct an affirmation that acknowledges your Higher Power. Speak to your Higher Power just as you would your best friend. Then listen to what comes into your thought processes.
As with any new coping strategy, try one of the above several times before deciding to use or discard it. Managing any negative thought is work, part of your grief work. Examine how you feel before and after each attempt. Once you make a choice, then practice, practice, practice. You possess the ability to deal with the negative and the fears that frequently give it life. Persist.
