“Everything changes when you change.”
Jim Rohn
Creating a written plan to accomplish an important task or to deal with a massive life change is a prerequisite to maximize success. All professionals tell us the same thing: Get it down on paper so you can chart progress and make adjustments when needed. Doing our grief work is no different.
And how do we manage to reach goals? The answer is by developing new habits that help us deal with change. Habits are an extremely important part of every life. They govern so many things we do every day. Repetitive behaviors turn into habits.
Now as we mourn, the development of new habits is essential to face the future. Having a written plan facilitates habit creation. Lists of what is needed for new behaviors and thoughts will provides a concrete path to follow each day. Here are several lists to consider.
1. The “To Do” List. This may be the most common list recommended by anyone who wants to help us organize our thoughts and accomplish some of the essentials of dealing with grief. It is especially important when mourning as our sadness also brings with it considerable confusion. It is easy to forget things that need to get done. Prepare it the night before for the following day. Use a calendar to itemize appointments and other meetings that are several days away.
2. The Balancing List. Balancing the stress of grief with self-care is a critical coping response. Make a list of activities you have enjoyed in the past and those you still engage in. Whenever you find something you have enjoyed for a while, add it to your list. Then be sure to engage in one of your enjoyable balancing activities every day. Activities where you are alone or with others count, as long as they give you a sense of release and peace. Solitude is good for you in low doses.
3. The Gratitude List. Here’s where you begin to examine all that you have accomplished and all that you get through each day. Emphasizing being thankful for the things taken for granted can have a powerful impact on bringing peace of mind to our search for meaning after great loss. If you want peace of mind, start a daily gratitude list and become aware that you have made progress.
At the close of each day review what you have gone through and what you want to recognize as “glad that it happened.” Put it on the list and add to it each day. Continue to think in terms of the attitude of gratitude as a coping response and something you can use for the rest of your life. As time goes on and this list grows, use it to look back at all your successes.
4. The Give List. There is one universal coping strategy that has proven over and over again to lead out of deep sorrow and into the next rich chapter of life. It is simply learning to be a kinder and more generous person even as you mourn. It never fails to enrich the mourner and get him/her through the most trying times. The key is to develop a “giving self-image,” seeing yourself as the good person you were made to be regardless of your past experiences.
There are always others in need of something that you have the ability to give. Think carefully about your Give List: a smile, a thank you, a shirt or blouse, a sympathetic ear (even as you mourn), an “I love you,” a special photo, holding a door open, a dessert, a heartfelt compliment, and on and on.
5. The Memory List. Loving memories and the goodness they represent, are consistent grieving tools always at the ready to recall and bathe in. Start listing the memories of your loved one that you wish to make permanent in your thought life. They can be old or recent memories depending on how they make you feel. Also, list new loving memories since the death of your beloved. What was said? Where did it occur? Get all details down and on paper so you can instantly recall them and share in their powerful energy.
As time permits review your lifetime loving memories and add them to your list. Go back to your childhood and your happy eventful memories to start the process.
6. The Forgive List. Forgiveness is an extremely powerful healing strategy. Why? Because without it your full ability to love and be kind is compromised. At the top of this list should be you, specifically all of the things you have not forgiven yourself for doing or not doing, including what you have labeled as failures. Write each of them down and each morning look at the list and what you will forgive yourself for today. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to forgive yourself and halt limiting beliefs from stressing you out. Get rid of these emotional scars. You are a good person.
Next on the list should be the people you hold grudges against and have not forgiven. They might be people who said the wrong thing at the wrong time, who didn’t give you help when needed, or who hurt you at different stages in life. Rid yourself of all of these burdens by forgiving. Sit quietly, see each person in your thoughts and voice the words, “I forgive.”
7. The Grocery List. “Hold on,” you say. “Why do I need to make a grocery list?” Simply because the vast majority of mourners, due to the stress of loss, regress in the consumption of quality food and drink. Many increase their intake of caffeine and mood foods and decrease nutritional essentials. The result is dehydration, eventual illness, loss of energy, and increased isolation.
Be sure you put two things on every grocery list: spring water and some form of protein. Both are crucial for good brain function. A handful of protein (which is not a big portion) is essential for each of three meals, especially breakfast. Fruits and green veggies are a must. Drink some water as soon as you get to the kitchen in the morning before eating.
In summary, the very act of writing is a useful coping response. Add to and cross out items on your lists as you manage them. You can use a single notebook to keep all your lists in or put them on separate pieces of paper. Refer to them daily, starting with your “To Do” List. If you feel overwhelmed by too much writing, start with the two or three lists that you feel are most important to your well-being or possess deep personal meaning. Then gradually expand to other areas of concern in the days and weeks ahead.
